I can't describe it. It makes me so angry. I get so worked up about it, I get so angry where I can't sit still and don't know what to do, then I cut. Harsh lines, again and again, over and over until my heart slows down. I fucking hate myself, everything about me. My height, my size, my face, my personality, my brain, my mind. I HATE it. I hate myself for being how I am. I hate myself for not being able to change it. I ruin everything. I just want a life I can enjoy. I don't want to feel to frustrated the whole time. I want to be able to relax. I want my life to change. I don't want to be me. If it wasn't so abnormal and looked down on by so many people to self harm, I'd have destroyed myself by now. I know what I'd have done to my body. My scars are too bad at the moment, and they're permanent.
Nothing bad has happened in my life. Everyone has sad and down times. Some people have particularly bad things happen to them and it either does or doesn't make them lose the plot. But me, I'm like this from nothing. I've had a good life, I love my family, I live in a nice area, and I've never got bullied. I can't think of a time someone has told me I'm nothing, told me I'm a failure, or told me I'm ugly. Why do I feel like this?
I'm told from so many people about God and how he saves. If he saves, why isn't he saving me? I was Christian, I got confirmed. I believed, I found peace in the church, but then things got worse and no matter how hard I tried, I was drawn away from it all. Life has some very shit things in it. The holocaust, suicide bombers, child abuse. If God's so great, why doesn't he save people in situations like that? I don't care about the Adam and Eve crap and us having freedom. There is no reason why we should suffer for one persons mistake, because she ate an apple she wasn't supposed to. If God is real, I can't see how he is this almighty father when so many people are put through shit, so many people die, and so many people are hating life.
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