Weird

Christine (the counsellor) forgot about the photos, but I'm cool with that, I would have found it awkward to talk about anyway. Today we spoke about stuff in more depth, I felt so uncomfortable with it by the end. The main thing is about me looking weird and not normal. I said how I think I come across and how I look. This wasn't about my size, it was mainly.

She asked what I thought normal was: "Where you don't stand out. Normal isn't the same, normal isn't one particular thing, normal is just not standing out as being weird, and that's what I am. Like if there's a crowd of people all wearing completely black, and one person is wearing completely pink. All those people wearing black are all different people, but they don't stand out. The person in bright pink stand out as being different and weird."

Out of the 2 cards I chose out of her packs of cards, she asked about the one with the rope and knots: "It's like I've tied myself down, no one has told me I'm a certain way, no one tied me up. It's my own thoughts and self that did this to me. So I know it's up to me to untie them, but I can't, I don't know how and I can't imagine it being any other way."

She asked if I ever felt angry: "Yeah, but only at myself."

She asked why: "I don't know, I just get really frustrated with myself for being me"

She asked what I do when I feel like that, she knows I've self harmed, but I think she was waiting for me to say it. This is where I felt REALLY uncomfortable. I paused for ages and then.... "then I self harm" followed by a nervous sort of laugh sort of 'heh' sound.. I always go it when I say things I'm not sure if I should say or that I'm not used to saying. Then it was the end, she asked if my cuts were okay and how some people are good and looking after them, but some aren't or some shit like that. Yeah the most recent is okay, but its the deepest I've ever done and its very thick and will scar worse than any other I've done.

I just sound pathetic.