Christmas Day, start of the new me.

I did write this yesterday evening, then I made a new blog, so it's a bit depressing I guess for xmas day, but whatever, it won't be xmas day when I post this :)

'This is it', I've said that phrase to myself way to many times. First I thought, most people with anorexia don't understand what I'm going through at the moment, most of them say it's the worst thing that's ever happened to them. And from my point of view, I couldn't understand how making yourself beautiful could be a really bad thing. Then after thinking about it I thought wait, it's so horrible having that stress, denial and self-hate 24/7, but then I still thought well I'd prefer to feel like that than be disgusting... I don't like eating food, I don't want to, and if you don't eat it you make yourself more beautiful... So I'm 'trying' to be anorexic, probably because I used to be ana/mia, I remember my strength and how good it felt when I noticed weight changes, then I gained it all back. I ate less than I did before I had ana, but somehow I got to the same huge weight. I don't eat meals, I snack. And I swear that if I add all the calories up it would be a few hundred a day, but I'm still really fat. I don't eat at all at college, and only have a bit when I get home. It's not me thinking I'm fat, I know how much my friends weigh, and I know how much I weigh.

It's Christmas, and I can tell I've put on a lot of weight. I feel so angry, I don't know what to do, I feel like screaming, I hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm seeing my cousins tomorrow, I don't want family seeing me like this, they'll all be thinking how fat I am. I'm not even comfortable with my mum and siblings seeing me. I know in my family, like most, we all love each other, it's unconditional. But still, they still have those thoughts, even if it won't affect the way they treat me. I don't want anyone to have those thoughts.

I NEED to change. So I'm making a plan, and this time I really think I'll stick to it.

26th December - Don't eat much of the lunch, eat it slowly and when other people start to put their cutlery together, I'll do the same. After I've done that I won't have any more of it, it's embarrassing to pick. A lot of exercise in my room in the evening.

27th December - 3 day fast, try to eat nothing. Lot's of exercise, walk somewhere far away and back, e.g. 2 towns down and get the train back.

28th December - Same thing.

29th December - Same thing.

Too much is happening to me which is proving I need to change.