Got a jumble of things to say. First thing I'll just copy and paste from my PT post thing, was asking for advice/ feedback when I wrote it..
Okay so I started going to the college counselor, I've only had 2 sessions and I know nothing magic is going to happen.
But I feel like it's going nowhere, she knows I don't eat properly, she knows I occasionally throw up, she knows I self harm and that the last time was about 5 days ago.
The 2 sessions she's been trying to figure out where it's all come from. But seriously, nothing has happened in my life that made any of this happen. Self harm came before the ED, from nothing... I just started feeling a certain way.
I get so angry and shakey just generally, not always for a reason, and feel so depressed so much of the time, I'm in fear and paranoid every minute of the day and I just feel like the counseling isn't going to get anywhere. She's all about where it came from, I don't think it came from anywhere, I just want to try to change my thoughts. I want to talk to her about ways of not self harming, and ways of not having a huge phobia of people and being scared wherever I go.
I'd sort of like her to tell me if I'm just normal or not, like whether I have an anxiety problem, whether I have a depression problem, whatever.
Is what's going on in my head not the main thing? It has no roots...
But I feel like it's going nowhere, she knows I don't eat properly, she knows I occasionally throw up, she knows I self harm and that the last time was about 5 days ago.
The 2 sessions she's been trying to figure out where it's all come from. But seriously, nothing has happened in my life that made any of this happen. Self harm came before the ED, from nothing... I just started feeling a certain way.
I get so angry and shakey just generally, not always for a reason, and feel so depressed so much of the time, I'm in fear and paranoid every minute of the day and I just feel like the counseling isn't going to get anywhere. She's all about where it came from, I don't think it came from anywhere, I just want to try to change my thoughts. I want to talk to her about ways of not self harming, and ways of not having a huge phobia of people and being scared wherever I go.
I'd sort of like her to tell me if I'm just normal or not, like whether I have an anxiety problem, whether I have a depression problem, whatever.
Is what's going on in my head not the main thing? It has no roots...
So yeah... She hasn't asked yet even why I feel like self harming or what I'm thinking when I do, shouldn't she ask that?
Anyway...
I had a good lunchtime yesterday, food doesn't affect me and I don't really find myself wanting it so it's cool, me and most of the girls from my old school sat around the same table squished and it was just really funny everyone catching up and stuff (y) They got onto eating badly, saying it's really bad how much they eat and stuff, but like in a general way like a lot of girls do. One of them joked and was saying how they thought about how easily they could go and make themselves throw up when they're at home and it would be as if they never ate it... They were joking, and other people were like yeah but that's disgusting isn't it... Fair do's, but I really don't understand it, how the fuck can they not feel like they have to? I've just forgotten how it feels like eating just because...
I had a good lunchtime yesterday, food doesn't affect me and I don't really find myself wanting it so it's cool, me and most of the girls from my old school sat around the same table squished and it was just really funny everyone catching up and stuff (y) They got onto eating badly, saying it's really bad how much they eat and stuff, but like in a general way like a lot of girls do. One of them joked and was saying how they thought about how easily they could go and make themselves throw up when they're at home and it would be as if they never ate it... They were joking, and other people were like yeah but that's disgusting isn't it... Fair do's, but I really don't understand it, how the fuck can they not feel like they have to? I've just forgotten how it feels like eating just because...
And the guy I had sex with on Friday, he's funny and we've been talking a lot, don't think anything will happen, but just saying he's a cool person (y) When me and him went for a walk to go on an 'adventure' but yeah, we got onto drunkenly talking about self harm, fuck knows how it came up... I thought he would have seen my cuts before that, but apparently not... He asked jokingly like 'ah you don't cut yourself do you?' I said no, and he was saying how he thought it was stupid and didn't understand it... We were both drunk so it was okay and I sort of explained why they 'might' do it... I just so badly want to stop :/ I think it's been about a week, I'll start just doing it on my wrists if I can where I can wear bracelets, I just want my current cuts to go away :/
I feel shit right now.
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