Honey, I'm home!

Nothing too traumatic has happened in my life, everyone has bad things happen to them and has dark times, but nothing that significant has happened that has affected me in a bad way. I know I generally have a potentially good quality life, I just wish my mind would let me have it.

I can't remember the stuff I was gonna write here but I'll write it in shit form.

1. My friend Adam from my music class, he's well alright, he's random and makes me smile sometimes. I was sitting next to him on Friday and those 2 seats are in front of the radiator and we were leaning back on it. My tights that day were quite thin and he saw 2 lines on my thigh and touched my leg and said "whats that?" I think I covered it up well cause I remembered something that did actually happen. I said, "ah when I was little I put this flower thing from Ikea that I found on the floor in my pocket and it was sharp and cut through :/" Then he said, "hm special child, self harm isn't it :O". I don't think he was being serious, like I think he believed me, so he made a joke about the self harm. Someone else might have been able to hear, and if he was serious, he wouldn't have said it in that situation... But it sucks cause he could see it even through my tights, they weren't cuts, they were scars. They've been there for months and I use bio oil, I just don't think they're going to go away :( I NEED them to go.

2. James, the guy I had sex with last Friday. Last Friday was so good and funny, like I was with him most the night and when we went for a walk and got lost, didn't just have sex sort of thing... I didn't think we'd talk loads after that but we did. Like we've been talking all week on msn till late and texting loads. We've got so much in common and we have lols, I'm glad I met him. I'll feel like complete shit, might be crying so much I can't breathe, of course I wouldn't tell him that, but often he makes me feel a lot better for a bit :). We are just friends, but I'm glad he was at that party.

3. I was so frustrated and angry after Friday night, took 10 laxatives or something, I know they don't help but whatever it probably helped me a tiny bit mentally. I normally eat a very small amount, but Friday night me and Lucy went to Kingston, went to a Alex's house with Matt. It was a good night, when we got in Alex's dad was drunk and asking me and Lucy what drink we wanted, we didn't know so he just made us a cocktail thing and explained it in so much detail and poured it like he was all professional :P But yeah when we got home, we had got loads of shit food from Tesco and a DVD, I could have eaten a lot more of that food, but yeah I got so scared and panicked, I hadn't eaten that much in probably about a year and a half. In the morning I thought that if I weighed myself (which I'm always fucking scared of doing), it would either give me a tiny bit of reassurance, or it would scare me, and make me freak out and cut. It did the second one. That one fucking night made me the all time heaviest. What the fuck. I don't fucking understand bodies and nature, why am I naturally huge? So fucking frustrated.

4. Since weighing myself yesterday morning I've been exercising a lot, I LOVE the feeling where your muscles ache and it hurts to move an walk and stuff. Although I've been using my sisters weights which really help, and she's gonna want them back :/ but hey.