Points

My decision is I'm gonna keep this. Not because I think anyone should give a fuck or that anyone should bother reading it, though obviously it's here if they feel like it. I'm keeping it because I can let things out on here, no one from my day-to-day outside life can see it and it's a reminder to myself. So keeping it, but I'd like to make it clear that I know I don't matter, I know I'm not dying, I know my shiz isn't important.

Point number 1: I want to stop self-harming so bad. I want to be able to roll my sleeves up. I don't want scars. My scars on my legs are really bad and I'm so scared that they're not gonna go away. On my arms when I was 14 I did it badly further up and only 1 scar stayed there permanently, but I can make excuses for that one. Since then I kept them where they can just be covered up by a lot of bracelets or places that just aren't shown often. My legs I haven't done anything to for about 4 months, but the scars are still there and they are huge. The past 2 weeks I've completely merked my forearms. When they turn to scars, I'm not sure which will go after time, but theres one that is definitely permanent.
I want to stop so bad, but I don't know what else to do with my anger. I feel helpless and pathetic.

Point number 2: I seriously need to work out this weight thing. I know I eat a small amount, less than a lot of skinny people on PT who are losing weight quickly, but I don't lose any, I stay bigger than everyone my age around college and stuff. It's so frustrating. Trust me when I say I hate attention, I do. I've had attention problems since I can remember, earliest I can remember this was probably this really embarrassing situation till I was about 5, ask me about it if you like though. I hate attention being on me. But, if I lost a lot of weight, yes it might draw some attention, but at least then it proves that I'm not just being pathetic and that there is actually something affecting me. At the moment I'm a fat ana/mia person and it makes no sense. It does sound attention seeking and though I hate to admit it, I'd sort of (secretly) like people to feel a bit sorry for me and be like 'oh yeah she obviously has some issues...' and not just think I'm a quiet fat retard who hardly ever speaks.