I probably never really definitely thought there was a God, I drunk a lot, swore, had sex, but I still hoped there was something there. I had this hope that there was something amazing out there, and that made me see so much more good in what I had. Then my problems got worse and life became less enjoyable. Then I realised that if I don't think there's a God there, the good things don't disappear. A lot of the things I saw good in disappeared before I stopped hoping there was a God. I miss the feeling I used to get sometimes, but I think that's just cause I liked the music and I was around lovely people, that's always a good thing. It wasn't God. A lot of these people say they were broken, but were 'healed' by God. That was just chance. I got more and more broken even though I started doing more with the youth group. Gave up on that shiz a while ago, my best friend sort of get's angry at me for fucking off. She says I'm being stupid and that she would 'pray' for me. I think the fact that she is spending a whole year as an intern with the church youth is stupid. She doesn't even want to work with the church. A whole year given to religion, she get's one day off on Wednesday's, works in a shop on Saturdays, finishes at about half 10 on Sundays and half 6 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She's doing that for a whole year, 'for' a 'God' that let's so many people suffer. A God who often 'saves' people from small things, whilst others lives get so unbearable that is forces them to kill themselves. A God who won't save the world because everyone has to suffer the mistake that one little man called Adam made by eating an apple when he was told not to.
It was just nice to have the hope and relaxation. But it was bullshit.
Yeah I 'hope' something changes, but at the moment it is getting worse and I do not see any way out of it. And I've forgotten what it's like the feel relaxed. I now know that you never know what is and isn't bullshit, most things are.
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